My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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