I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
