nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
