I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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