There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
