I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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