never play flip cup with pint glasses
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
