Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Randomize
