i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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