So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
