When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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