You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
