Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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