His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
