He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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