i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
