well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
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