It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
