I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
