That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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