My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
