Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
