My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
