I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
