i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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