Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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