Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have feelings that need drinking.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
