Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
