I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
