Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
