Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Randomize
