Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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