i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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