I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
