Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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