grandma shit on top of the toilet
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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