there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
