...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
