i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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