I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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