Your face is a jimmy john
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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