My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
