Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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