i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
