haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
