She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
