I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
