I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
