I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
