I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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