she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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