im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
