john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
