so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
