I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
