Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
