hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
