when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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