Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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