My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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