i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
FUCK WHALES
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
