Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
