Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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