The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
