He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
