btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize