Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
