I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
