God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize