It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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