Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
