ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
