I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
