Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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