I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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